i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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