My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize