So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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