if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
