mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize