i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
