i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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