I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
