my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize