VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
