What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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