Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
