I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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