If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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