I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
