Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
