I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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