I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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