I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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