We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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