Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
