She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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