A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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