On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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