How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
