my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
