hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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