i barfeds in our rink
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
