Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
