I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
