i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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