OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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