I just saw a hot homeless man
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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