Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
