I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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