You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
