There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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