I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
