The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
