I can tuck mytits in my pants
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
