A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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