"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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