so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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