I feel like I'm in dance class right now
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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