Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
