my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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