I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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