I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
