i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
