I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
my being single is dangerous.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
