As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Is Oprah even human
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
