Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
