I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
