Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
