Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
