Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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