i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
