I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
