I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
