if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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