id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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