I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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